You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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