Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
