Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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