we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
