this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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