everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
