I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
