so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
