sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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