I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You're so nebulous sometimes
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
