So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
