i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You have to summon your inner elephant
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
