It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
