Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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