i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
