i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
