There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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