I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
