Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
