Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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