we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
