I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
