Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
