I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
