First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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