dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize