i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
