THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
