Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
