U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
if only i could text you this smell
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
