Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
