Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
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The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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