i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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