i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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