the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
