Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
