He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
