shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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