I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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