trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
