Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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