the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
