So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
