I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
