I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
