How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Someone stole a lamp last night.
how drunk are you?
Several
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
