Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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