I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
