I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
