I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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