I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My penis needs a shock collar
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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